The Glory of the Sun was quiet as if life itself was angry at me. If the Rethi ship hadn't crashed, this would've been another place of worship. It would have been peaceful. If I had only killed the Rethi then Frank would still be alive. Everything was my fault.
"Fang," I said, bowing my head. "I know what I have done is unforgivable and yet I pray you grant me leniency. Make it so that my trials and tribulations are fair and not unjust. Let Gaia not take out her righteous anger on me. Make it so my fellow survivors let mercy guide their hands against me."
I had been sitting on the pew for an hour or so. The harsh wood dug into me now as if it too loathed my very presence. A part of me knew I shouldn't be blaming myself so but Frank had died. It had been my fault. The one I had loved the most was gone because of me. Nothing I would do could earn me forgiveness for that sin.
Seeing something out of the corner of my eye I turned to see what it was. I nearly ran out of the Glory of the Sun in fear. Right beside me was Frank as he was in life. I couldn't believe what I saw. He was alive and well. Somehow he had survived. Of course my husband could survive. It was pure insanity to think he would leave this world without me.
"Frank!" I shouted in joy as my arms went through him.
Of course he wasn't alive. I had seen him die. Shakily I went back to my previous sitting position. I wanted to vomit as I saw him dying yet again. I saw how I had had to be calm as I let him pass before my eyes. I saw how well I had not reacted to his death. The regret and guilt had only been released when it was safe for me. As safe as Gaia would allow her domain to be. In allowing the Rethi to live I had endangered her domain and so it would not remain safe for long.
"You're happy to see me." Frank said with a sneer.
My husband looked forward as if I didn't exist. As if my presence was not worth his time. For now he had been brought to life and his love for me was gone. I understood the feeling. My sins outweighed any love he owed me.
"I am." I said, my words sounding hollow. "Fang has allowed me to see you. I will enjoy the time he has given me."
"You think Fang allowed this?" My husband asked with a laugh. "You truly think that I am here to comfort you? To reassure you that no matter what you do, you will always have my love? Drethiveal are dead and the rest are in danger because of you."
"Then Gaia sent you? Is this her form of punishment?"
"You sent me."
I sent him? I sent my deceased husband to torture me? No, no that couldn't be true. I was in pain and torment but I wasn't that cruel. This must be a trick of Gaia to make me doubt myself. Maybe she wanted to spur me on to kill any Rethi that dared come here. Maybe she didn't care if I survived the attempt. Her sending Frank to me might merely be a simple amusement to her at the end of the day.
"Gaia is a harsh mistress, but I never figured her for a trickster." I said, trying to sound calm. "The Rethi coming must have changed her."
"Your religion changes to fit your narrative." Frank said, looking at me. "It is like there is some Rethi in you. Some unclean part of you in need of redemption."
The Rethi of old were said to use religion merely as a weapon. The legends said that they used religion as a tool to control. That all the horrible wars could be boiled down to it. That was false as the species was born to hate. They were born to fight. So removing religion would do nothing as it wouldn't change their nature. Instead of which deity was real, they would find something else to war over. Something else to kill over.
"I let the Rethi into Native Lakes." I agreed. "But I doubt there is any reason I should be forgiven for that."
"Showing kindness is not a crime, my love." Frank said with a look of pity. "Acting kind is no crime. Even to a species as ruthless as the Rethi. Have you stopped to consider that the attack on Native Lakes was destined to happen?"
"But why wou-"
"You know there was something odd about that attack. The Rethi were being good guests, better than the legends would suggest, and yet they killed so many."
Frank had a point. It was odd for the aliens, the former inhabitants of Gaia, to be so aggressive. And yet betrayals happened, even among the Dreth. People would smile at you and then try to kill you. It didn't make sense when it happened and yet one was forced to accept the facts as truth. No matter how kind the Rethi were, there was still the ability to betray those showing kindness. Betrayal was more likely among such a violent species.
"What the hum are you doing here, Buteo?" An angry voice asked.
I turned quickly to see Donta Nevin looking at me. Sparing a glance for Frank I saw that he was gone. Hopefully he would appear in the near future. For now I looked at the woman in front of me. For once she hadn't partially Avealed to change her hair. I was not going to point out to her how much that showed she was hurting. It might be that not Avealing now was something she had done subconsciously.
For a moment I thought of answering her but didn't. If she was going to walk into such a place of worship and be so disrespectful, she wasn't worth my time. Not until she decided to be polite would I speak to her. I had been speaking with my dead husband, a husband I had watched die, and he had left because of her. If Donta left he would return. I just knew he would return if only I were alone.
"Hummit, Buteo." Donta said as she walked closer towards me. "All of us are hurting after what you did. All of us have lost someone."
"You still have Hawn." I pointed out dryly.
"Do you know why I became a warrior? It wasn't because I reveled in death. It wasn't because I have some innate need for glory. No, it was because I have a need to protect. I wanted to protect everyone in Native Lakes and eventually extend my reach. Help more people. I failed in protecting my home."
I could tell she was being honest which confused me. She was saying the kindest words in the angriest manner. Rage seemed to heat the air around her as she professed her kindness. It was also confusing because I only saw her as a killer. I only saw her as someone who wished to gloat in front of others. I was used to the Donta who looked down upon me as being too weak.
"I wonder why you don't like me when I do so much." Donta continued. "I protect and risk my life so you can stay safe. Yet it seems as if you demonize me."
"You just always seemed to be bloodthirsty." I replied honestly. "You and the other warriors seem to have this need for bloodshed. I guess I just wish for a world where war doesn't exist. We're Drethiveal and yet we fight. Isn't it good enough to have the Descendents to fight against?"
"Learning to love the fight is a way to cope. I'm having to kill my own kind to keep my home safe. A home that you managed to destroy."
In her voice and face it seemed she was hiding something from me. It was easy for me to guess that she enjoyed the fight a lot more than she was letting on. Maybe she even feared that she liked fighting. Maybe she reveled in the fact that now she would help fight off the Rethi when they returned. If she was hiding anything she wouldn't tell me. I wasn't her friend nor did I want to be. There was just too much I didn't know about her and what I did know...well...it didn't make me like her.
"So you hate that I showed compassion?" I asked.
"I hate that you showed stupidity." Donta replied. "You know the legends, you teach them, and yet there you were that day. There you were with the monsters of old. I don't blame your students as you are their teacher. You are the one that they were supposed to be able to trust. Now they are dead because of you."
I hated to admit it, but she had a point. The students looked up to me and expected me to have all the answers. They didn't worry, not really, because I was there. If I said something was true they believed it. Some doubted but with that doubt was the knowledge I had a point. It might be the wrong answer to them, but there was a lot of thought to it. They trusted me to be level headed and to teach them honestly. Now their trust had been returned with ash. Ash I had walked through.
"Why didn't they have better security, Donta?" I asked her, trying to shift the blame. "They learned to use our technology in a short amount of time. They were able to overpower Drethiveal long enough to send out a signal. I'll admit that I brought in a dangerous species, but you can't blame only me."
The comment about security made the warrior tense up. She let out a growl that sounded more bear than Dreth. She didn't seem to like thinking that the destruction of Native Lakes might be her fault. That history would blame her just it would blame me. I liked seeing the pain and confusion on her face as she tried to think of a way out.
While she was having a battle inside herself, I looked to the altar. This would be the last time I came to this place as I doubted our quest would keep us close to here. If we survived to the end it might be we were too mentally scarred to come back here. It could be that the Council of Ant would send all of us to some remote village.
"You're right, Buteo." Donta said after a long pause. "There are many people to blame for our village's destruction. But if you hadn't let the Rethi live then more problems wouldn't have arisen."
I wanted to shake my head. She knew that I wasn't fully to blame and yet she kept acting like I was. There was nothing wrong with showing pity and compassion to those less fortunate. I would never stop showing kindness where it was needed the most. Frank was the man I had loved above anyone else. He wouldn't want me turning into a senseless killing machine, even if that was the more useful way to be.
"If you hate me so much, why check up on me?" I asked. "If you think I am the one who destroyed an entire village, why worry that I'm pitying myself? I am nothing to you and yet you are spending time with me. You have Hawn to go to if you need comfort. Hum Nidae can even tell you a joke if you want some humor."
I knew that last part was a lie. The Dreth who had been annoyingly sarcastic before was now a gloomier version of himself. It was as if any light that had once been inside him was gone. Gaia hadn't treated him kindly. She might be preparing him for a unique destiny. It might be him that saved her in the end. Or it might be he couldn't handle all the destruction very well. Maybe he had already been somewhat broken as he had been given time off. A lot of time off.
"You're right, I loathe what you have done." Donta said, her hair slowly turning brown. "To think that I did nothing when you brought them in hurts even more. But right now the Rethi are the enemy and fighting amongst ourselves will do nothing. When they come back, and they will, we need to show a united front. We are Drethiveal and can't show weakness. Especially not to the enemy."
Donta was right. She was more than right which made me angry. The signal that was sent out would alert the Rethi and they would come. They would come with a vengeance as their species was one of war. They would try to regain control of Gaia and commit genocide on the Dreth. If there was even a hint that that task would be easy, the world I knew was doomed.
The wood underneath me felt sturdy and I tried to take comfort in that. I tried to find solace in the simple things that Fang gave us. Even if the world changed and the Dreth's reign was ended, I wouldn't feel fear. I would feel happiness in that I would die with dignity and rejoin Frank. I would feel joy in that Gaia would give purpose to my corpse. The animals, the few that were sure to survive, could consume me so that a new world could grow. Possibly a world that the Rethi would not understand just enough to die.
"You'll want to be on the front lines." I said.
"Of course." Donta said with a smile. "Fighting my own is hard but fighting a demonic enemy is easy. I won't have to worry about right and wrong like I usually do."
To think that a woman such as she would worry about morality was hard to imagine. She always had such a cocky attitude that she was always sure of herself. She saw me looking at her oddly and so turned away. Maybe she was embarrassed because she had shown too much. I never thought people were black and white as Gaia never made things that simple. But I had also never thought to give Donta's character that much depth.
"So you just want to kill." I said as I didn't want her to think we were close to being friends. "Now that the Rethi are coming back you have an excuse. You can do all the bloodshed you want because it's the right cause."
Donta seemed to become calmer after my remark. It was almost like she also didn't want to toy with the idea of friendship with me. We would both fight for the same cause but we wouldn't be friends after the war. After the war with the Rethi I would go become a warrior for the Council of Ant. I no longer had Frank or a life in Native Lakes. Everything holding me back was now gone.
"Don't act like you won't be just as eager." Donta replied. "The Rethi betrayed your kindness and killed your husband. You'll be killing as if doing so was the secret of immortality. I think you might be more eager than me in killing, in fact."
"I will be fighting because it's my duty, not for personal gain." I told her. "You will be fighting because you have an excuse to kill more harshly than usual."
With that it seemed as if things were normal between us again. I hated her and she loathed me. In a world that had fallen apart, this was peaceful. Almost as peaceful as finding a good thermal and riding it for as long as I could. In the sky it was hard to remind myself to be cautious. Hard to remind myself that I had to look out for others. Sometimes Frank would join me and then we would make love afterwards.
"We need to head to the others." I said, pushing away thoughts of before the Rethi came to Native Lakes. "We need to come up with a plan as soon as possible. Where to go and how to get there."
"What would be your plan, Buteo?" Donta asked as we both headed towards the door.
"Go to New Venice and contact the Snow Leopards. We make sure every Drethiveal on Gaia knows about the Rethi's return."
As I stepped into the sunlight I wondered how it could still burn. Frank was dead and the time of my species might be at an end. Yet life would go on. Gaia had no need of any one species as each could evolve. Sometimes there were extinctions and changes, but there had not yet been an ending to her. Donta didn't seem bothered by the sunlight and I doubted I'd ever see her vulnerable again. That was a side reserved for her husband Hawn.
"Are you going to miss Native Lakes?" Donta asked as we started walking away from the building.
"No," I replied honestly. "I'll miss the memory but I don't mind leaving. This isn't the same place I grew up in. Are you going to miss home?"
"I was going to move away anyway. This just gives me an excuse."
I knew that wasn't the true answer, but I wasn't going to ask her for another. That wasn't my place and never would be.
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